ALL POEMS OF KARLEY KAY

Poetry Series
Karley Kay
- poems -
2
**6 Feet Under** (To My 'Sis' Heather)
There was a time I was happy
Nothing could bring me down
I laughed and giggled
I was always there for you.
But one day it wasn't enough
You still left, and you left me here
You just came to say goodbye
And now your gone, six feet under.
'Dont be sad for me'
You said before you left
'I have to do this, Don't hate me
This is how this must be, it'll be for the best'
I sat in disbelief, not sure what to do or say
Were you serious or just joking like before?
I cried for hours, when I found out your were serious
You are gone and soon going to be six feet under.
You were my everything, My Very Best Friend
You were my other half, My Sister
Why didn't I do more to help you?
Once again, it's all my fault.
When you first told me, I didnt believe you
I thought you were joking, like you had been many times before
But the one time you were serious, it was too late
And Once again, I am to blame.
You told me it wasn't my fault
That you had to do this
I don't hate you, I just dont understand
WHY YOU HAD TO GO! ! !
Karley Kay
3
**Breaking Free** (For English Class)
Being held captive
I have to break out
Looking around
Starting to freak out
Being held captive
I have to get out
The doors locked
The window's shut
Break through the glass
At last I am free.
Outside I run
Fast as I can
Getting away from here
I hear freedom calling
It calls me sweetly
Out of breath I stop
Seeing the flag
That means sweet freedom
Karley Kay
4
**Fade**
The disease inside you
Making you slowly fade away
They say they cant help
There's nothing anyone can do
But can't they try?
I CANT LOOSE YOU! !
Haven't seen you in years
But I miss you lots
You cant die
You cant leave us here!
We will miss you so much
Hold my hand, please stay.
I wont say goodbye
I wont let you go
I love you, please stay
Hold on a little longer
You'll be okay, just hold on
One more day.
(For My Aunt Linda)
Karley Kay
5
**He's Not You**
He smiles at me and hugs me close
He tells me he loves me
Forever and Always
But it makes me sad to see
That He's not you.
You were my world
You meant everything to me
At one time but not anymore
I have to forget about you and about us
But he's not you.
He may make me smile
And try to help me forget
But no matter what
I'll always see you
And be sad that he's not you.
You ignore me when I call
When I text you get mad
You say you dont care
But I know you still do
But he's not you.
He kisses me, hugs me close
Telling me he loves me
Laughing about everything
I start to forget
Only one problem- He's not you.
Karley Kay
6
**Speech Class**
Glancing around the room
My breath coming in faster
My eyes dart around
Feels like I'm being choked
Getting harder to breath
Please, I pray, Please dont pick me.
Balling my hands into fists
Inhaling sharply as the teacher says:
'Karley your up, '
I stand up with shaking hands
All eyes are on me
As I make my way to the front.
Glancing down at the podium
I begin to speak
Staring at a spot on the wall
I speak directly to it
If I look at the people
I wont be able to breath.
With shaking hands I sit down
And my breath begins to slow
'It's only a speech, ' I tell myself
But why is it so frightening?
Glancing around I breath easier
Till tomorrow when I speak again.
Karley Kay
7
**Too Late Mommy**
I used to sit and wonder
If I would ever see you again
Wondering why you left us, Dennis and I
No contact at all for almost 10 years
And now you've come back.
Mommy, it's too late
Dennis is gone,18 and on the streets
I'm 16 and a young woman
The hurt you've caused
It runs too deep
It won't disappear overnight,
I tell myself I forgive you
But all I get is more questions
You get mad, you wont talk about it
Telling me to forget it, it's in the past
Well I cant.
I guess I'll never know
Why you left like that
But I wont stop hoping
One day you'll tell me
And we can start over.
Karley Kay
8
**WHY MOM? ? ! ! **
Why did you leave us?
You promised you never would
Why did you not contact us
Till 10 years later?
Dont you care how that made us hurt? ? ! !
WHY MOM? ? ! !
Dennis wont talk about it
But I know he's still hurting
From you leaving, he says he dont love you
He dont talk about you anymore
I know he's hurting and I HATE IT! !
WHY MOM? ? ! !
You wont talk about it
Says it's in the past, Forgotten
I dont tell you how much this hurts
To not have a real mother, the one you should have been
I dont even know you anymore
WHY MOM? ? ! !
Karley Kay
9
**Why? ! ? *
'If I could I'd find a fairy godmother with a magic wand and combat boots so she could
grant your wishes and kick the crap outta anything that tried to get in the way of your
happiness...'
These words meant so much at one point
But now they just haunt me as I cant help but wonder
Did you set me up?
Why'd you hurt me like that?
You said 'Forever' but you never meant it
You just left like everyone else
And blamed this all on me.
Your dating my Best Friend, My 'Twin'
You say you love her
Your turning her into me
Isn't that my picture, the one you drew for me?
Isn't that my nickname. only we knew?
Isn't that the love you used to show to me?
I should move on and forget about 'Us'
But it's so much harder than it looks
What we had was so special
You promised me the world
I'm only 16 I'm not sure what love really is
But what we had, I thought came pretty close
Till you left me alone for the second time
And are now dating the girl you say 'Means everything' to you.
People say I should let go, Forget about it
But how can I when I'm constantly reminded of what we had
Each time I see her? Everytime she's with me
I see you and me, laughing, talking, Forever with you
She's yours now, I tell you I'm happy for you
But Deep inside I feel like i'm dying
Why'd You Have To Go? ! ?
Karley Kay
10
*Hurt*
The phone rings
My heart skips a beat
And I hear your voice
Calling my name once again.
Talking about everything
Hanging up the phone
Missing you again
Why'd you call?
You say you miss me
That you still care
My mind wants to trust
But my heart says 'No'
The hurt you've caused
It runs deeper than you know
I can't keep trusting you
I have to let you go.
Won't let myself get hurt again
As much as it hurts right now
I have to close the door on you
And forget about 'Us'
Karley Kay
11
*Let You Go* (You Know Who You Are)
No matter what I do
I can't keep my mind off of you
You've hurt me deep, but I still care
But when I see you with her
I know I can't keep loving you.
She's yours now, there's no more us
But why can't I let you go
I tell myself I dont love you
But why everytime I see you
My heart skips a beat?
I have to let you go
But I cant seem to be able
To say goodbye, this hurts
You love her, but I love you
How can I let you go?
I'm not sure, I just know I have to
But I'll never stop
Loving you like before
One last 'Goodbye'
And the tears fall
Karley Kay
12
As Long As
She says your happy, that you dont need me
Happier than ever, or so she says
Well guess what? I'm hapy for you
We didnt work out, I have to let go
If you think this is easy, its not
But if your happy, I'm happy for you.
When I see you again, I'll smile at the memories
I wont be sad to see you walk away again
If you find someone new, I'll be happy for you
Hope we'll always be friends
If not' I'll be okay, dont worry about me
As long as your happy, I'm happy.
Karley Kay
13
Barriers
My walls once high to avoid hurt and pain
Fell down as you came into my life
But now those walls are back up again
Holding fast against your protests
Keeping you out and your lies.
Barriers as hard as stone surround me
And my broken heart begins to mend
Won't ever let you in again, it's over
Dont believing you and your lies, go away
Your not welcome here anymore, get out.
Barriers protect me and also my friends
They wont let me get hurt again
They love me and will do anything they can
To prevent me from more hurt and pain
They surround me, protecting me from you.
Get out of here, your no longer welcome
Dont get near me, I wont hold you close
Stop apologizingm, it wont do any good
Dont look at me that way, the look means nothing anymore
Stop saying you love me, it wont make me stay.
The barriers are there to stay, get used to it
They wont come down, face the fact
I dont forgive you, so stop apologizing
I cant trust you, get away from me
I'm forever gone, I'm not coming back.
Karley Kay
14
Choose: Your Addiction Or Me?
Now that your addicted to this we need to end it
Because its going way too far, your time that’s spent
You need to just come back to me, because we can fix this
Instead of causing space between us, we can mend it...
You glance at me, almost afraid to speak
To admit you have a problem because you don’t see it like I do
But it's tearing us apart, pushing me farther away
Please come back to me, make it like it was
I feel like I'm losing u
And I have problems & pain
Help me help u & we'll both make it through
While u think about this
Just remember that u have me
And I’ll always be there for you
Don’t want to keep being pushed away
As your addiction becomes more important than me
This addiction has to end now or else I will go
Can't keep ignoring the signs of this
It hurts me to see you this way, battling this addiction
You can't do it alone, but you wont let me help
You say you don’t have a problem, but I know differently
What should I do? Follow my heart? Or do what my mind tells me to?
Look into the mirror
The one that holds your future
And tell me what you see
Am I standing there happily with you?
Or are you alone and without me
Why can’t u just realize
That there’s a serious problem going on
And that you’re putting our love at stake
That I’m giving u a chance to make the right decision
Before you’re left with tears...a blurry vision
Don’t you see how much I’m willing to help you?
How willing I am to stand there beside you
But if this problem stays, then I must go
There isn't room enough for two of us.
The time has come for you to choose
A girl who loves you with everything and would do anything for you
Or an addiction that will just destroy you?
Choose now, or I may have to leave forever......
Karley Kay And Iron Panda 23
Karley Kay
15
Communicate
Looking at you, you stare intently back
I glance away and hope your answer goes unvoiced
'This is just a crush' You say and I look away, trying not to cry
I glance away and hope my silence is enough of an answer
Time goes on and the feeling never leaves and I know what I must do
I have to tell him how I feel, you tell yourself
Taking a deep breath you blurt out your feelings
And wait as the silence stretches on
'Okay atleast your honest, ' you say before walking away
'I care, ' you began, but I cut you off
'As a friend, ' I say, trying to hide the hurt
That I feel inside me, knowing you dont feel the way I do.
Wondering why this feeling is so strong
And why I hurt like this
Maybe I'll never know but, please,
Lean close and whisper the words you feel in your heart.
Karley Kay
16
Don't Say Goodbye (You Know Who You Are...)
Standing there, hearing the words but hoping I was wrong
Tears fall down my face and I beg you to stay
You look away and say you can't keep pretending
Can't keep hiding this pain you feel ever since you shattered my world.
In one night our world changed forever, won't ever be the same again
The love I felt for you shattered into a million pieces
As the other side of you came to light, and I lay there, hurting and broken
Now that I've left you, you want to make it right, but that's impossible now.
You sit there, tears sliding down your face, as those words slip through your lips
Those words you swore you would never say
Trying to tell you how it makes me feel, the only words I know are
'Dont Say Goodbye! ! I Can't Loose You Too! ! '
You look at me, your eyes and face expressionless
You tell me that it's too late, too late to start over, too late for you to change
'Please Dont! ' I whispered, tears flooding down my face
You walk away and leave me there, Alone, Hurting and Broken.
Wondering what to do, what to say to make you see
How this hurts me, to hear you say those words, that you want to die
But you just won't see how this pains me to see you walking away
DONT SAY GOODBYE! ! !
Karley Kay
17
Dont Tell Me 2
Dont tell me you care just so I'll stay
Dont tell me you love me, its meant to be this way
It'll never be the way it was for us again
It just cant be the way it has been
You tell me you love me is it just to make me stay
Or just to make us last one more day?
Dont tell me you love me, I dont believe you
Dont tell me we belong together.
You look at me, I know you hurt
But dont tell me I treated you like dirt
It's summer now and we have to end
But its almost like it had been
You smile at me and tell me you love me
Stop messing with my head, just let me be! !
Dont tell me you dont love her, it wont make me stay
Dont tell me you need me, just go away.
Sorry for being a jerk but you have to understand now
Great show but it's over, just take a bow.
Karley Kay
18
Don't Tell Me....
Don't tell me that you love her, and that I need to go
You didn’t think I knew but now you know.
You were my number one, the only one for me
You don’t understand how much this hurts me you see.
You say we need to end us, I know your right
But I really miss you when your not here at night.
You used to hold me close and tell me that you love me
But now things are changing and it hurts me.
You go to her, if that’s what you want
But don’t tell me you think she is hot.
Don’t keep hurting me, hurt me no more
Don’t want to see you walk out that door.
Don’t want to fall apart, not like last time
Don’t tell me your no longer mine but hers.
If you love her, you must go
But don’t expect me to watch the show.
Hating this feeling, of feeling hurt again
But this is how we must end.
HAVE A GREAT SUMMER CUZ I PICKED UP ON YOUR HINTS! ! ! !
Karley Kay
19
Fantasy Or Reality? Song
Chorus:
Got my head so high in the clouds
How do I get back down to earth?
I feel so secure in the clouds, so wanted and loved.
And I feel so lost on earth
Which will I choose?
Fantasy or Reality?
Reality is so scary
But that is life
Why is Reality like this?
All there is Hurt, Sadness
And feeling lost all the time.
My fatasy world is so much better
It is filled with what could be
Of what should be
I feel so loved
And wanted in my Fantasy World.
Repeat Chorus:
I know I need to face Reality
But it is to scary
I get so hurt when I come
Back down to earth
And in my Fantasy World
No one gets Hurt, Used, or Abused
Repeat Chorus:
Karley Kay
20
Feelings
This is a message of importance that i hope u recieve
Within it there are a few things i believe
Its about us so read it carefully
And try not to be shocked because we both know this is reality...'-'
There are so many feelings inside of me
How do I begin to tell you what's going on
That everything is going wrong
Not the way it was supposed to go for us....
Theres a space between us that seems to be growing
A road thats leading somewhere else
Our communication has already started failing
And what i think of this, I’m not sure if i can tell
Dont wanna hurt you, but its what i feel in my heart
The walls we built around us, our world,
Its quickly falling apart
Please help me understand what to do about us
Only one thing can help me, can give me what i need to know
That one thing is your answer
Since what youre thinking wont show
Need to understand what to do
About us, about the love we once had forever
But it's slowly slipping away, and i dont understand why
Can you help me figure this out, or do we need to end us?
I'll always love you but this is up to you
I'll be ok if its the other option you choose
The choice is yours, ours
Choose and be happy
Karley Kay
21
Forever With You (Written By Kizzy Jay Fuller)
Close your eyes and you'll see my face
Smiling and laughing with you
On that cold October night
Around the campfire roasting marshmellows
Forever With You.
Laughing about our newest crushes
And eating chocolate
Wishing these days didn't have to end
But knowing I have to do something
But I'll be Forever With You.
On that cold october night, I made a plan
To end the pain inside of me
But scared to leave you behind, without me with you forever
I told you I would always be there for you
Forever With You.
Hoping you'll forgive me one day
I'm really going to miss you sis
Wish I could undo what happened but I cant
But I will never leave you]
I'll always be Forever With You.
Written By Kizzy Jay Fuller
Karley Kay
22
Forgiven But Not Trusted
I glance at you, with tear filled eyes, you stare intently back
Wondering what's going on, why I won't talk to you
Or meet your eyes when you talk to me, But how do I tell you
That everything is wrong, that nothing is right?
The day my world shattered around me, I shattered too
My heart shattered across the floor, my tears flow down my face
Fighting the urges I haven't had for so long, Until that day you left
Knowing it won't help me anymore, but neither will you.
Then the day I had a chance to make everything right, I knew I couldn't
Couldn't forgive and forget as easy as before, Not like last time
You said you would do anything to make it right between us again
But if I forgave you, doesn't mean I would trust you.
I could forgive you for the mistake that you made that night
But I couldn't trust you like I had before my world came crashing down
The look on your face lets me know that you understand
But you don't know just how bad everything is for me since that day.
Nightmares of you slipping away, dreams of loosing you
Are always around me, following me around like you once did
I could forgive you, but I'm through with trusting you
And if it happens again, I'll be through with you.
Karley Kay
23
Fragile Song
Sitting there, inside my room
Wondering why things get this way
I turned to him, he looked at me
Then I said, “Please help me.”
And then he replied, while looking at me,
“Life is fragile, don’t you know
Just let, your problems go
If you don’t your life will crack
And you can’t, get it back
Life is fragile, treat it well.”
Sitting there, with hurt in my heart
Wondering why, things fell apart
I hugged him, and he hugged me
I said, “Please don’t leave me.”
Then he replied, while holding me,
“Life is fragile, don’t you know
I won’t, ever let you go
You mean, the world to me
I would do anything, for you
Because I love you.”
I grew up, and had a daughter
Of my own, and named her Abby
We were close, always helping each other
One day she was having trouble
Dealing with life, and I replied,
“Life is fragile, don’t you know
Just let, your problems go
If you don’t, your life will crack
And you can’t, get it back
Life is fragile, treat it well.”
Karley Kay
24
Friend Or Foe (You Know Who You Are)
Waiting, watching, seeing, seeing you as I thought you were
Waiting for the day that things would be different and you would be mine
Those days wont ever happen, but for just a moment I thought it would
Then came the day my life turned upside down as you said you didn’t care
And that you had a girlfriend, I knew it shouldn’t have hurt, but it did
You lied to me, said you cared and then turned your back on me
And turned into a real jerk, I hope your happy with the way things are now.
Things are different for me now, things are changing but for the worst
I need a friend, can I find a true friend in you? Or do I just go and leave you alone
Let you stay with her, and don’t talk to you anymore like she wishes I would?
My mind says one thing, but then it changes, what do you think I should do?
This poem is about you, you know who you are
What do you have to say? Anything? Or are you just going to ignore it
And act like it never happened? ? The choice is yours. Choose.
Friend or Foe? ?
Karley Kay
25
Giving Up-So Sorry
I’m giving up can't hold on any longer
I tried to hold on but my hands have
Slipped from yours as I fall so far down.
You promised you would catch me, if ever I fell
But this time there was no one to catch me
Because no one saw me fall.
Sleep is my only friend but even sleep
Cant make me forget, can’t save me from the
Mistakes I have made, all those times I have hurt you.
Your angel is dying inside, hurting so much
She is afraid of to let you in tp help her
So afraid of what you will say if you see inside of her.
I never meant to hurt you I tried to protect you
From the pain and hurt in my life, never wanted
You to see me hurt and I used to hide it so well.
It feels like I’m dying without you with me
But I cant hurt you anymore
So I have to let you free.
Your face crumbles as I say those words
I promised I never would say
Your eyes fill with tears as I look away.
I can’t stand to hurt you anymore
So that is why I must go
You start to cry as I slowly leave.
It takes everything I have
To not run back to you
And into the safety of your arms.
Please understand how hard this is for me
To see you hurting and not hurt myself
As I see you in pain for what I have done.
Karley Kay
26
Gone forever
Why’d you have to go?
You had so much
To live for
And now you’re gone forever
You were my only friend
Who cared for me
Who tried to help me
And now you’re gone forever
Why did you have to
Go and kill yourself?
You were helping me
So much.
You told me
But I couldn’t help
I felt the same way
But you lived so far away.
Now what?
All my other friends
Gave up on me
Called me hopeless- maybe I am.
No one cares
What happens to me
Only you did
Now you’re gone forever
I tried to tell you
To keep going
But you told me
You had to go.
Now with you gone
I don’t know
What to do
I really did try to help you.
I guess I will try
To go on with my life
And live for you
And live for me.
Karley Kay
27
Goodbye? !
Tears fall down my face
As I wonder what to do
I gained a friend
But now I’ve lost you
You said “Forever”
But you didn’t mean it
Now your gone away
And here I sit.
Why did you go?
Please stay
Tears fall down my face
Please don’t go away.
You say sorry
I turn away
Cant you stay?
Just one more day?
“Goodbye” you say
And begin to walk away
Sinking to my knees
There alone I lay.
“Goodbye” I whisper
But your already gone
Crying myself to sleep
Hoping I’ll be fine by dawn.
Karley Kay
28
His Last Words
Blaming me for him dying
Blaming me for not saving KizzyJay
Telling me it's my fault she died
But then his last words were not what i expected
Gasping for breathe, he struggles to talk
To say the last words that he will ever speak
Crying as I sit there, wishing this wasn't goodbye
He takes my hand as he speaks his last words.
'I'll Love You Forever, And I'll Watch Over You In Heaven
Don't Blame Yourself, This Isn't Your Fault
I'll Be With You Forever One Day Soon
And I'll Tell KizzyJay You Miss Her. Dont Forget Me...'
Sis, This Is The Last Words He Ever Spoke To Me. =(I Miss You So Much...Please Let
This Be A Dream! !
Karley Kay
29
Is This Goodbye?
So sick of all the broken promises
And all the words that hurt
People leaving and then coming back
Many tears that fall
As you leave now too.
When you said “Forever” you meant for now
When you said “Always”, did you mean it?
When you said “Sisters” was it all a lie?
Tears fall down my face
As you walk out of my life.
I know I’m not perfect, far from it
But do you really have to leave? !
I know I have problems
But why throw everything away because of it?
You’ll never know how bad this hurts
“Sisters Forever” You promised
“Nothing will come between us
I wont ever leave”
I know I probably deserve this
But please don’t go!
You say its just till I figure everything out
But I know you meant forever
I’ll always have problems
If you really have to go, just remember this,
“I Lovers You Sis! ”
Karley Kay
30
Kizzy Jay Fuller **Full Story! !
In Memory Of Kizzy Jay Fuller
Staring at the computer screen in disbelief, I wonder how things could have gotten like
this without me knowing anything about this. Sinking into the chair, I feel tears sting
my eyes and spill over. I forgot the time I spent crying and wondering what I could
have done to help her. Knowing I have to do something, have to find a way to help her
see that I am always here for her, no matter the distance between us.
Hitting the reply button, I silently pray for the wisdom to know what words to say to
her, to bring her comfort in times like this. Pausing to reread the message on the
computer screen, I realize that with one message, my whole world changed in a matter
of minutes. Nothing would ever be the same again.
Sis, I really have to talk to you. I never thought that things could have gotten this bad
this fast but when this whole thing first started, I didn’t think it would turn out like this
so I didn’t tell you. Now I wish I had. I’m really really sorry. I really hope that you can
get through this. You have to do everything you can to keep going and fight back with
all you can. Please keep going, Sis, I know there are lots of people that love and that
will be there for you to help you through all this. When I’m gone and you start missing
me, just close your eyes and I will always be there for you. Someone will always be
there for you, even if I can never be. That person will be there for you all the time like
I wish I could be. Please forgive me, Sis. Some day I hope you can forgive me. But I
have to do this sis. I have to end the pain that I feel inside. I know there are a lot of
people in your life who can help you through all this and who will always be there for
you and would miss you if something happened to you. God, now I feel like such a
hypocrite. I’m so sorry sis. Really. Don’t Forget Me. I’ll always be there for you
whenever you need me just close your eyes and think of me and I’ll always be there
for you. Love you sis. Love, Kizzy Jay.
Praying for the guidance to know what to say to her, I pour out my feelings that I feel
in my heart. I lost track of the time I spent writing her and spilling out my feelings and
thoughts, hoping to have just a little more time, time to help her through this before
something happens to her.
Some time later, I collapse back into the desk chair and just start sobbing, curling my
arms around my middle, and bending over, almost feeling a tangible pain in my body.
Wondering how I will get through this without her, I slowly get up from the chair, tears
slipping down my face, and I lie down on my bed, and cry myself to sleep. But it turns
out it wont be the last time.
Waking up the next morning, having little sleep behind me, and realizing that what
happened wasn’t a dream, I started crying again. Picking up the phone I dialed Kizzy
Jay’s number and waited for her to answer. “Hello? ” It was Kizzy. “Sis, please talk to
me. Tell me everything, ” So began the longest conversation of my life, as she spilled
out every emotion, every fear, and all I could do was listen as she told me everything.
I hung up the phone only after telling her I loved her and that I didn’t want anything to
happen to her and that if at any time she needed me, she could call me and we would
talk and if I needed to I would come to her and stay with her. She promised me she
would be okay as long as I stayed with her and was there whenever she needed me. I
prayed that she would be okay.
Over the next few weeks, we talked everyday, over the phone and over email. She
seemed to be doing well. She called me whenever she needed to talk and I called her
just to see if she needed anything. I was sure that everything was going to be okay as
long as we talked and as long as we stayed close like we were. But one day a few
weeks after the first email, my world came crashing down on me. I’ve never been the
same since.
* * * *
Waking to a sudden noise, I am wrenched out of a dream where everything was okay
31
and that nothing was wrong. Suddenly remembering what had awaken me, I sit up and
walk over to my computer. Waiting in my inbox was an email from Kiarra, Kizzy Jay’s
older sister. Almost afraid to look at it, I click it open before I have a chance to change
my mind. Glancing at it, I wish I hadn’t.
Staring at the computer screen in disbelief for the second time, I felt the tears gather
in my eyes and spill over as if they would never stop. I couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t
be dead! She CAN’T BE! ! ! How could this have happened? ? ! ! Could I have done
something more to help her? ? ! ! My Kizzy Jay was no more. Death came knocking
and she went to greet it.
Kiarra attached something to the email. I opened it and felt the tears spill down my
face faster than before. The attachment read:
Close your eyes and you'll see my face
Smiling and laughing with you
On that cold October night
Around the campfire roasting marshmallows
Forever With You.
Laughing about our newest crushes
And eating chocolate
Wishing these days didn't have to end
But knowing I have to do something
But I'll be Forever With You.
On that cold October night, I made a plan
To end the pain inside of me
But scared to leave you behind, without me with you forever
I told you I would always be there for you
Forever With You.
Hoping you'll forgive me one day
I'm really going to miss you sis
Wish I could undo what happened but I can’t
But I will never leave you
I'll always be Forever With You.
Written By Kizzy Jay Fuller
“This was found in her room the night she died. She loved you, Kayla. You were her
everything. You were there when no one else was. You were the only one she let inside
to help her. She will always be with you. I will pray for you. Be safe and remember that
I’m here for you forever. Love, Kiarra”
Once again, I start to cry. Memories of all the years we spent together flood into my
mind but I push them out, as though if I don’t remember the memories, then I would
wake up and this would all be a dream, but this is reality. This is not some bad dream I
will wake up from. You can’t wake up from reality. This time I make it to my bed and
curl up in a ball as I lay there and cry myself to sleep again.
* * * * *
The next morning, my eyes swollen and hurting, feeling like I’d been run over by a
truck, I drag myself down the stairs…and forget what I was going to do. Deciding that
going back to bed would be a good idea; I head back upstairs and collapse on my bed,
staring up at the ceiling and try to make the tears stop, telling myself that I shouldn’t
32
be crying because I miss her, I should be strong, but knowing the tears might never
stop. I lost the best part of me and it hurts. I have a right to cry. Glancing around the
room, I am struck by how many memories are here, right in this very room and all
over the house. But this room has become my favorite, this one is the one that
reminds me most of her. This is where she and I spent most of our time, watching
home movies of us when we were younger, talking, drawing, and best of all, laughing
over silly things till our whole bodies hurt. This room was full of memories from the
years we spent together. Looking around the room, each item brings back new
memories and I smile through my tears as I start to remember, and this time, I don’t
try to forget her and our lives we shared.
My eyes wander around the room and come to rest on a framed award with the words
“Best Friend Award” completes with a picture of Kizzy Jay and I. We have our arms
around each other and are smiling into the camera. Smiling to myself, I continue to
look around the room, this time my eyes come to rest on my bookshelves. But this
bookshelf is filled from top to bottom of homes movies made by Kizzy Jay and I. Slowly
getting up from my bed, and wiping away my tears, I head over to the bookshelf and
pull one down marked “Best Friends” it was marked a month before she died. Glancing
at it, and then at my TV I pull the video from the box and push it into my VCR, settling
back into my desk chair as Kizzy Jay’s face appears on the screen. Wiping away tears
as I watch, the scene opens up with us sitting on my bed, painting each other’s
toenails and laughing over something funny. Suddenly Kizzy Jay grabs a pillow and hits
me over the head with it. Laughing as I almost fall off the bed, I grab another one and
hit her with it. Hoping my nails are dry, I leap off the bed and out the door laughing
the whole time. The next scene opens with us in the kitchen making a snack of nachos
and meat. We were laughing over who has the most cheese and meat and what our
crushes would say if they could see us now. Laughing to myself, I think of how funny
just those few simple words are.
The next scene starts. We are at the mall trying on clothes and laughing at how funny
we look. Kizzy Jay comes out of the dressing room and the moment I see her, I start
laughing. She glares at me and I sober up until she starts laughing to. “What? ” she
asks innocently. “Is there something funny about the way I look? ” She strikes a model
pose and grins. I start laughing again. She is wearing leopard print pants, a bright
green and orange plaid shirt, purple high heels, and to finish the look, a goofy bright
yellow hat with a smiley face and a pair of bright red heart shaped sunglasses.
The screen goes blank, but I still hear the sound of the VCR as it slowly starts eating
the tape. “NO! ” I scream, as I try to pull the tape from the VCR. It pops and then
ejects the tape but the film from the tape is still stuck in the VCR and the more I
struggle to try and get the tape out, the more messed up it becomes and the more id
destroys the only things I have left of Kizzy Jay.
Holding the pieces of the tape in my hands, I start crying for what seemed like the
thousandth time that day. Crying for Kizzy Jay and how she felt that suicide was the
only way to end the pain inside of her. Crying for the loss I feel of loosing my other
half, of the guilt I feel of not helping her enough, and most of all, whenever I have
something i want to talk about, if I have a bad day, her voice won’t be on the end of
the line anymore.
* * * * *
Over the next few days, numbness settled over me. But this is one thing that I
welcome. If I can’t feel, I can’t cry. If I can’t cry, I can’t hurt and if I can’t hurt, I can’t
feel anything and feeling nothing is better then feeling the pain and emptiness that I
feel since she has died.
* * * * *
Slamming the door hard and rushing up to my room after a hard day at school, the
33
numbness I have felt the last few days slowly fades and is replaced by anger. “WHY? ?
! ! ” I scream out loud. “WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO? ? ! ! ” Suddenly having the urge
to throw something, I settle for yelling my thoughts instead. “YOU HAD SO MUCH TO
LIVE FOR AND NOW YOU’RE GONE! ! DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HURT? ? ! ! DO
YOU EVEN CARE? ? ! ! YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE HERE FOR ME. BUT
WHERE ARE YOU NOW? ? ! ! WHY ARENT YOU HERE WHEN I NEED YOU THE MOST? ? !
! YOU LIED TO ME! ! YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME AND WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME
ALONE WITHOUT YOU SIS! ! YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU PROTECT AND WATCH OVER ME
FOREVER AND YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING SO STUPID, SO
FINAL AS SUICIDE BUT NOW YOU’RE GONE AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN STOP TO THINK
ABOUT HOW MUCH I WOULD HURT IF YOU LEFT! ! ? ? I HATE YOU KIZZY JAY I HATE
YOU! ! ! ” sinking to my knees I bury my face in my hands and sob so hard that my
whole body hurts. Pulling a blanket off my bed from the place I lay on the floor, I cover
myself and cry until I become exhausted and soon sink into a welcomed oblivion. That
was the first night I dreamed of Him.
* * * * *
It had to have been mid-July, the warmth of the sun warming my face, and, upon a
glance, I see that I’m on a beach, sitting on a bench by the shore, the waves lapping
up almost reaching my toes.
I stand up and start spinning around, my arms straight out and my face to the sun,
happiness rushes through me, almost like an adrenaline rush, but better.
As fast as the happiness appeared, it was gone. Sinking to my knees I feel the urge to
cry. Wrapping my arms around my middle, I slowly start rocking back and forth. From
out of nowhere I feel a hand on my shoulder. Feeling startled but not scared, I try to
turn around to look at the face behind me but the hand held me still and whispered in
my ear, “You can’t see my face just yet, but soon the time will come.” Puzzled by the
words of this stranger, I again try to turn around, to catch a glimpse of this faceless
voice but once again the hand holds me firmly in place.
The voice whispers again, “I will always be here for you, Kayla, Even if you can’t see
me I’ll be here. Someone will always be here for you like I wish I could be, like I
should’ve been…” Gasping softly, I feel a shiver go up my spine. “Who, ” I breathed.
“Who are you? ” the voice speaks softly. “I’m the angel KizzyJay sent to watch over
and protect you.”
Suddenly afraid, I squeak out “I have to get out of here. Go away! ” the hand of
the whispering stranger is removed from my shoulder and when I turn around, I am
alone on the beach, the light breeze feeling like ice and my hair blows in the breeze.
* * * * *
Gasping for breath, I am wrenched back to reality and become frightened as I can’t
move. Realizing that I’m tangled in my blanket, I fight my way out and head into the
bathroom. Glancing in the mirror, I immediately turn away to avoid seeing my pale and
tear stained face. Splashing water on my face, I tell myself that it was just a dream but
at the same time there was something so familiar about the voice I heard.
Shaking my head to rid myself of the voice, I head out of the bathroom and down the
stairs to the kitchen as I search for something to quiet my growling stomach.
Sitting at the table with my plate of grilled cheese sandwiches and a piece of chocolate
cake, the thought automatically comes to me. Where is Kizzy Jay? She usually is here
sharing this with me. Then I remember. She won’t be coming here anymore. She isn’t
here anymore. Feeling my eyes fill up with tears and fall down my face, I brush them
way and finish my snack, and head upstairs.
As I enter my room, I hear the doorbell ring. Rolling my eyes I wonder who that could
be. Heading back downstairs, I open the door and on my porch is a large box with my
name and address. Searching for the return address, I see that it is from Kiarra.
34
Picking up the box and entering the house, I walk up the stairs and walk into my room,
dropping the box on the bed. Glancing at it, I wonder what could be inside but at the
same time I’m not sure I want to know.
Hesitantly, I head to my desk and pull out a pocketknife. Opening the box, I gasp as I
realize what was inside. My hand shaking, I pull out the envelope on top and open it.
My eyes fill with tears at the sight of Kizzy Jay’s handwriting, but I blink them away
and read the last thing she ever wrote, and she wrote it to me. “Kayla, I want you to
know that I never thought things would get this way. But you have to know that I’m
always here for you. Whenever you need me, just call my name and I will be here for
you right there with you forever. You are probably angry with me because you can’t
understand why I would leave you all alone after I promised you that I would be here
for you always and forever. Best Friends for years, and now that I’m gone I wonder
how you will handle not having me to rely on. Please don’t be angry with me sis, if you
are reading this letter, then you are at least willing to let me explain. I promised you
that I would always be here for you and I will, even if you can’t see me, I will always
be there.
Kayla, do you remember that time I told you that even if you can’t see me I would
always be here for you? And how I said that if I couldn’t be here, then someone will
always be here for you like I wish I could be, like I should’ve been? Well, I keep my
promises. Someone will always be there for you no matter what. They may be your
next door neighbor, they may just be a guy you sit next to in Biology, but when the
right time comes, you will be able to see who that person is, and they will be able to
help you with all they have and nothing else matters. They will be there for you like I
was, and they will be able to speak to you and bring comfort to you in your times of
need, they will be able to help you in the ways that I am not able to, concerning my
current condition (Sorry about the lame humor, sis,)
Sis, you have to know one thing. You have to know that if I could, I would take this all
back and make it like it never happened, but I can’t.
Do you remember that time that you were so scared and stressed out about loosing
your mom that all you would do is cry and when you weren’t crying, there weren’t
many funny times between us anymore until you got over it and knew that your mom
was going to be fine? That’s how it was for me. I felt like someone was sick or dying,
and in reality it was me that was dying. Dying inside because of everything that was
going on. Whenever things weren’t going great for me, I almost picked up the phone
and called you but then I would tell myself that it would all go away soon and that I
didn’t need to bother you with it. But by the time I got around telling you, it was
already too late.
I’m probably not making too much sense right now, but I knew I had to try. All you
need to know is that you did everything you could and it’s not your fault for what I did.
I made the choice. You tried to help, but I just couldn’t accept it. I knew it was already
too late but I knew you were only trying to help. I love you sis. I just hope that one
day you will have peace in your heart and not hate me for doing what I did. Sorry
about not explaining why I did what I did, I just don’t know how to explain it. Along
with this letter, inside the box are the things that meant the most to me, the most to
us. I want you to have them, as a reminder of me, of the times we had, the times
when there was an Us. I love you sis. Wish I could talk to you one last time. You have
to live for me, its I want. *RAWR*
*Best Friends Forever September 23,2000*
Kizzy Jay Fuller
Glancing in the box, I slowly pull out the items one by one. The first was her jewelry
box that we had engraved when we became Best Friends. Next was a box filled with
35
pictures, and memories of the times we spent together. Then came a smaller box, a
dusty, dirty box that looked like it had once been buried for a lengthy period of time.
Realizing what it is, I wipe the tears that fall down my face and examine the last items
in the box.
Hands shaking, I grab the first item, her jewelry box, and immediately it takes me back
in time. I lightly brush my hand over the smooth, flat surface and instantly I am back
in time, trying her jewelry on and laughing at how mature we look. The jewelry box
was there, in the middle of her dresser, the smooth brown wood and the engravings of
our initials KJF and KKM along with the words “Best Friends Forever, until the end of
time.”
Wiping away my tears, I open the jewelry box and finger all the jewelry, pulling out
each piece and each one brings back memories.
The first one, a lime green choker was the first piece of jewelry that she got from me. I
had given it to her the week we officially declared ourselves Best Friends. She had
given me a similar piece of jewelry except that mine was white.
White was her favorite color. Her second favorite color was Lime green.
The next, a large heart shaped locket with the initials KKM and KJF = BFF’s. Opening
the locket, Kizzy Jay’s smiling face stared back at me. One the opposite side, it had an
engraving. It read Kizzy Jay Fuller July 16,1994-August 10,2009 “Forever With You”
Once again, my eyes fill with tears and fall down my face. Pushing the other items
away, I stand up and rush down the stairs and outside into the field behind my house.
Falling to my knees I wonder why this was happening to me. DID SHE REALLY HAVE
TO GO? ? ! ! Holding my face in my hands, I cried for what seemed like hours before
finally making my way back to the house and it startles me that I haven’t eaten all day.
As I opened the fridge to find something to eat, the phone rings, startling me. Almost
dropping my plate of food, I set it down and answer the phone with a raspy “Hello? ”
Silence. “Hello? ” I say again “Kayla? It’s Nan, are you okay? ” No, ” I replied. “I’m not
okay, Kizzy Jay died two and a half weeks ago.”
“OmMyGod, ” then a click and then there was a dial tone. She had hung up.
Staring at the phone in my hand, I hung up and sit down to eat the food in front of me,
but suddenly I’m no longer hungry. But I eat it anyway.
* * * *
Later that night, I again dreamed of Him. The scene replays in my mind but this time
he tells me that he was someone Kizzy Jay knew would protect and love me, even
more than she did. He tells me that the time will come for me to see his face and to
rely on him for all the questions, concerns, and just to be there for me when I needed
him.
Laying bed that night, I wondered what i was supposed to do, what I was feeling. It
wasn’t the numb feeling I welcomed, it was different. Gasping as I realize what I was
feeling, I can’t figure out if I should be relieved or shocked. I was feeling acceptance of
loosing her. She couldn’t stay with me forever, deep in my mind I knew that, it just
took me a while longer than it should have to face the fact that she couldn’t stay with
me forever, no matter how close we were. Was I really feeling acceptance of her doing
what she did? ? ? Shaking my head, I slowly release the tears that I have been holding
back. I was going to miss her but at the same time; I had the opportunity to live for
her. That was what she wanted and I would live for her. Forever. Every day I wake up,
it will be for her. Every thing I do will be with her in mind.
Over the next few weeks, a calm feeling settled over me, but at times I could feel
myself getting mad at myself because it seems like I was forgetting her. Other times, I
felt at peace because I knew that I enjoyed the time we had together and I wouldn’t
trade the memories for nothing….And one day, my whole world came crashing down as
the safe walls I had built around me and around my heart suddenly crashed down
36
around me and nothing has ever been the same since that day, that day almost six
months later, on Febuary 12.
Six Months Later……
Glancing around the classroom, I wonder for the thousandth time that day what life
would be like if Kizzy Jay was still here with me. Maybe she could have helped me with
my problems that I’ve been having with my dad, Since she died, I had become more
into myself, always keeping my questions and opinions to myself but I know I have to
talk to someone, but who? My mind goes back to the times with my dad that things
were actually going good, but lately, things go from bad to worse and I’m not sure how
to fix it. The memories of the past, and all those times with my dad keep coming back
and there coming back in a form of a dream, nightmares really. Wondering if there is a
reason that they are coming back now, I sit there for what seemed like hours until the
bell rang, startling me out of my daydreams.
Taking a deep breath, I try to focus on my schoolwork and tell myself that I can worry
about my dad later.
Stepping off the bus and beginning the long walk home, I hear someone call my name.
Glancing around, I see no one. Feeling uneasiness start to creep in but trying to laugh
it off as my imagination, I start walking when I hear my name again, “Kayla, ”
Looking around once more and finding no one, I start walking faster, glancing over my
shoulder every few seconds. A sudden movement out of the corner of my eye makes
me jump and spin around, my breathing coming faster, my heart pounding in my
chest, and my eyes darting around, trying to find the movement that startled me.
Nothing moves. Whatever had moved a moment ago, all was still now. But I know I
saw something.
I finally reached my house and rush in the door, my hair trailing behind me, my heart
still pounding in my chest. Closing and locking the door behind me, I lean heavily
against it a moment, before I rush to my room and try to catch my breath and fight off
the memories that suddenly appeared. But once again, they came back. They always
do.
* * * *
The smell of the room was nauseating. The view of the room wasn’t much better. Little
patches of sunlight filtered through the closed blinds, making the room seem darker
than it really was. The bed was unmade, dirty clothes covered the floor and papers and
garbage also littered the floor.
But the saddest thing was, huddled in a corner, lays a girl with her knees drawn up to
her chest and she is shaking. Every little sound makes her jump. At a closer look she is
crying. You gasp softly as you put a hand over your mouth as though to hold back the
tears and the smell. She turns toward you as thought she heard you. You’re startled to
see how lonely she looks. Her eyes look lifeless and as she turns toward you, you’re
frightened and startled to see her slowly wasting away. Suddenly the door opens and a
figure steps into the room. You see her start to tremble and shake violently, to the
point where she is almost hyperventilating. You start to sob as she turns fully toward
you and utters one word. “Help.”
* * * *
“NO! ! ” I scream wrenching awake, my heart thudding in my chest, and I am shaking.
It startles me that I had fallen asleep. I am covered in sweat, my hands and body are
shaking and I am so twisted in the covers that I can’t move.
I fight my way out of the covers and into the bathroom. Looking into the mirror, I am
startled at what I saw. My pale white face is staring back at me, my eyes are bloodshot
and puffy, and my cheeks hold the evidence that I have been crying.
After splashing water on my face and applying my makeup to make me look more
37
presentable, I walk down the hall to the kitchen but when I reached the door, I
stopped in my tracks and wondered if I should just forget going in there and walk out
again but I decided that I should just get it over with. Moving into the kitchen, I
squeak out, “Hi dad.”
Holding my breath as my dad said, without looking up “Hi, Kayla.” I rush out the back
door trying to fight off the panic attacks that always follow talking to my dad, and for
some reason, I start thinking of my mother.
* * * *
There were many times in my life that I wondered where she was and how she
would fit in this story of my life. All I’ve really heard about my mom was that she did
Meth and how she treated my dad like crap. At one point in my life, I was even mad at
my mom for hurting daddy like that. But then I realized that she didn’t hurt him
without him hurting her. She hurt him then he did things that hurt her. I know that
now. And there were also those long periods of time in my life when I wondered why I
didn’t love her enough to make her stay with me. I used to cry and wonder why she
left me and what I could have done to keep her with me when I was little but nothing
worked. She still left. And it still hurts to think that she was never there for me
whenever I needed her the most. Glancing up at the sky I wonder where she is now
and why she hasn’t come to see her daughter yet.
* * * *
Jumping as I hear a sudden noise, I automatically turn toward the noise and I
see my dad getting out of his seat and heading towards me. Fighting the urge to run, I
instead plant my feet and wait to hear what he has to say.
“Kayla, ” my dad begins “You always seem to leave the room when I am there
and you hardly speak a word to me all day. Are you alright? ”
Biting my tongue to fight off a sarcastic reply, I take a deep and silently move
to the kitchen table, I sit down, my back straight, my eyes on the table, and my foot
on a chair next to me, making my dad sit across from me and not next to me.
“So, Kayla, what’s going on? Are you okay? Can I help somehow? ”
Not fast enough to fight off the sarcastic reply, I spit out, “Yes dad, I’m perfectly
fine and nothing is ever wrong with me. I lost my Best Friend not even a year ago, she
was the only thing keeping me from going crazy, She helped me get over my issues
and forget the past but now because of you the nightmares and panic attacks are
coming back and the memories hurt almost as bad as your beatings! ! ! That’s all. It’s
no big deal.”
Rushing from my seat I bolt from the room as I hear my dad call out “Kayla May
Hanson come back! ” Ignoring his words, I rush to my room, slamming and locking the
door behind me. Moments later, I hear my dad outside my door knocking and trying to
get me to talk to him. “Go away dad! ! ” I yell, trying to block out the memories that
seem to always come up at times like this. Glancing at the window. I silently move
toward it, pull it open, take the screen out, and slip out the window.
* * * *
Hitting the grass with a soft thud, I rush to my feet and take off down the
road, away from the house, away from him. Not sure where I’m headed, Just knowing
that I have to get away from there, I just start walking around and the tears I’ve been
holding back come to the surface and for once, I welcome the tears as they flow down
my face. Not bothering to wipe them away or be ashamed that I am crying, the tears
fall faster down my face and I continue to cry as I walked. And as always, my mind
turns to Kizzy Jay and I wonder where I would be, what I would be doing if only she
was still here. Memories of all the times we spent together, laughing and talking and
just being ourselves, flood into my mind and for once, I am not really sad, I just spend
time remembering and without really thinking about it, I headed toward her house and
38
when I stood on the doorstep, I wondered again what I was doing here.
As the door opens and I see Kiarra standing there, She looks so much like Kizzy Jay!
Wondering if I made a mistake, I take a step back and prepare to head back home,
away from the memories of the girl that was once my world, but before I could go any
further, she is hugging me close to her, and she guides me inside, closes the door and
leads me up to her room. Flipping the light on, I see that her walls are covered with
pictures of Kizzy Jay and the artwork of her as well. Sitting on her bed, I continue to
cry for what seemed like hours. Finally calming down, we sit talking for hours, drinking
hot chocolate and talking about my fears, what’s been going on with my dad, and most
of all, what happened with Kizzy Jay and how I wanted more than anything for her to
be here with me again. I confided in Kiarra that if I could, I would take Kizzy Jay’s
place just so she could live. But knowing that wasn’t possible, I was confused and hurt
and angry and I wasn’t sure what to do. She offered kind, soft words of
encouragement as we talked for hours, trying to sort through our feelings. We cried
together as we both came a little closer to healing. The darkness starts turning to light
gray as the next morning arrives. Rushing out the door and down the road towards my
house, I hope that I won’t get in too much trouble this time. And I pray that if my dad
is really angry that his beatings won’t hurt quite so bad this time. “Please let him still
he asleep, ” I prayed silently as I silently come closer to the house, closer to him and
the prison called my house.
* * * *
I silently slip back through my window and the exhaustion I had been fighting
off, suddenly hits me and I almost fall over from how tired I suddenly was. Flopping on
my bed, I soon sink into oblivion and, for once, have no nightmares to haunt me in my
sleep.
I am startled awake by my dad coming into my room and sitting on the edge of
my bed. Fighting off the urge to pull my knees up to my chest, I just focus on
breathing normally and tell myself that all he wanted to do was talk and that he wasn’t
going to hurt me. He just wants to talk, that’s all I tell myself. “Kayla, ” my dad begins
“I....” I interrupt him before he could finish. “Don’t dad. Don’t waste your breath on
something I won’t remember by the time school is over. Just forget it. It’s just a waste
of time trying to talk to me about things that I have no intention of listening to so why
don’t you just stop while you are ahead? ” Glaring at him, I say icily, “Now can you get
out so I can get ready for school? I don’t want to be late.” Starting to get out of bed to
go get ready, I was startled when my dad suddenly grabs me and keeps me still. “No, ”
he says through clenched teeth, his face red. “You are going to sit here and hear me
out and I don’t care if you are late for school or even if you don’t make it to school
today, girl. You are going to listen to me.” Startled by the tone of voice he hasn’t used
with me since I was a little girl and had gotten in trouble for sneaking food into my
room after I was supposed to be in bed, I avoid eye contact with him and wait for him
to say what he has to say. Trying to breathe normally, I glance around my room,
anywhere but at my dad.
“Kayla, I don’t know what to do with you. You always avoid me whenever I’m in
the room; you hardly even say a word to me at all. You always seem frightened of me
and whenever I try to talk about it, you always get up and leave or worse, sneak out
your window and I have no idea where you are for hours on end.” My dad’s face got
even redder and I knew then that he was really mad. Trying to avoid an argument or
better yet, a beating, I hopped out of bed and grabbed my clothes and head to the
bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me, and focus on breathing normally.
When I am all ready for school, I cautiously slip down the hall and avoid the last step
that squeaks. Looking around, I don’t see my dad anywhere. I breathe easier once
again.
39
Stepping out of the house, I lock the door behind me and make sure I have the key so
I can get in the house because dad works later tonight. With any luck, I could be
asleep by the time he comes home.
* * * *
Exhausted after a long day at school, I slip through the front door and into my
room without a backward glance. Slipping onto my bed, I lay there, trying to block out
the words that keep finding their way into my mind. Putting a pillow over my head as
though to block out the voices I hear, but I can’t ignore what I hear, I can’t ignore the
facts. I can’t hide forever.
* * * *
The whispers follow me everywhere. Down the hall, in the classroom, outside.
There is no way to escape from the facts. They all pretend that I don’t hear them. That
it doesn’t matter even if I did. But they are right. It doesn’t matter. Because I don’t let
them see how much their words hurt, how deep they cut me on the inside. Because I
can hear everything they are saying about me. They all say how much of a freak I am.
How I don’t fit in here and how I came here to forget what happened. Once again, they
are right. I DON’T fit in here at all, but it’s not like I haven’t tried, I have it’s just that
no one really wants to except me as who I am, mistakes and all. And the newest topic
of conversation about me is how my Best Friend died and how I’ve been avoiding
everyone and everything that reminds me of her and how I wish more than anything to
have her back. I am deemed a freak in the eyes of the school, and the students. They
all think that I am weird for living for her. They say I should just forget about her, that
it doesn’t help me any to remember her, that it just hurts me more. It’s not like they
care, I thought, they love to see me hurting, they seem to take such pride in it.
Slipping out the door almost unnoticed, I walk out to the monkey bars and sit there,
staring out into the distance, trying to get rid of the voices that won’t go away out of
my mind. Once again my thoughts turn to Kizzy Jay. If only she was here things
wouldn’t be like this I thought if she was here, then my world would be perfect and I
wouldn’t have to keep pretending day after day that everything is okay and that I am
not hurting. If I could relive one day in my life, it would be the day Kizzy Jay emailed
me and told me she was planning on killing herself. I should have immediately made
arrangements to stay with her, to be with her at all times, to be there for her more,
but instead I stayed over two thousand miles away and she died two months later and
she tells me that I did everything that I could but she had to go, she had to end the
pain. Why didn’t she think that I cared? What did she mean that even if I did
everything I could have it wouldn’t have mattered? ? ! ! I don’t understand! ! ! Tears
slip down my cheeks and I don’t reach up to wipe them away, I have a right to cry. I
lost the most important thing to me less than a year ago. And I can’t ever have her
back, have her with me again. It hurts. Wrapping my arms around my waist, I feel
almost a tangible pain but I know this pain won’t go away, at least not any time soon.
Slipping silently into the space beside me, you don’t speak and neither do I. We just sit
there; you just there if I need you and me knowing I can tell you anything but am
scared to confide in you afraid of the hurt that always follows.
“Kayla, ” your voice is so soft in the silence, but it still startles me out of my own world
and seems so much louder than it actually was. I jump slightly. Once again. My eyes
dart around trying to find the source of the noise. Your soft voice calms me “Kayla,
relax, it’s just me. I’m not going to hurt you.” Glancing at you out of the corner of my
eye, I see that you are looking at me too. Turning away once again, I face away from
you and continue staring out into the distance wrapping my arms around my waist and
trying to forget the past, and most of all, to forget what I hear in my mind. A few
minutes later, I jump and gasp as I hear the bell ring in the distance. Wrapping my
arms around my waist, I try to breathe normally and fight off the memories that
40
always appear.
You appear right beside me, holding me by my arms and you lift my face with your
finger until I am looking at you. Wanting to glance away but finding I can’t, you look
deeply into my eyes and soon I feel my eyes fill with unshed tears. Pulling me closer,
you hug me and whisper that everything is going to be alright. Pulling back, I step
away from you and head back to school. You follow right beside me. “Kayla, ” you say
softly before we walk in the door. Turning toward you, you silently pull me close to you
and hug me tight as you whisper in my ear that everything will be alright one day. One
day I will forget, one day I won’t have nightmares and one day you’ll be by my side
forever to help me through all this. One day…. One day…..
* * * *
Blinking against the sudden glare of the lights above me, I am reminded that
everything is different now. Kizzy Jay has been gone almost a year, and you are no
longer beside me. Because of me, you are walking around school, the silent, depressive
one. Ever since that day when I told you this couldn’t go on, you feeling sorry for me,
trying to solve my problems for me with the love you don’t have to give since you gave
it all to her, the world you imagined for us, where everything was perfect, was now
crumbled around you and you are no longer the happy, talkative boy I fell in love with.
Instead, you sit there day after day staring off into space, no doubt dreaming of a
world where there is no more pain, no more hurt, a place where there is always
someone there for you, someone that can take care of you since you can’t take care of
yourself any longer. You have depended on me for far too long and now, without me
there beside you, there is no one there to tell you what to do, no one to run your life
for you. You used to tell me how you needed someone stronger then you, someone to
help you through all of the things you struggled with since you can’t do it on your own.
And me being the nice person I used to be, I helped you, with everything I had, I
helped you deal with the problems in your life until it became too much and I had to let
you go. Helping you hurt me in the end, it broke me into pieces and you didn’t have
the strength to help put me back together. I can tell that every time you look at me,
how much you hurt but I can’t help you this time. You have to help yourself. You can’t
lean on me forever. You have to be strong and stand by yourself without me holding
you up like you did once upon a time for me. So now, always beside me, is a guy you
used to call friend.
Over the next few days, I got home before my dad and was asleep by the time he
came home about eight o’clock each night. That was my subtle form of avoidance. I
had many more dreams about Him. One night, the dream changed my world. I saw His
face. I knew who it was but I couldn’t believe it. Could it be true? Did Kizzy Jay really
speak to him and send him to help me? The faceless stranger’s identity was revealed.
Brown hair, blue eyes, glasses, His name is Austin. He is my Guardian Angel sent by
Kizzy Jay to help me through all the tough times in my life.
But along with the dreams of My sweet Guardian Angel, also came the nightmares and
panic attacks that made me wake up in a cold sweat, my breath coming faster as
though I just run a marathon. Try as I might to ignore them, to make them go away.
The more they came back and the more it ruled my life. There were many nights that I
laid away for hours, doing everything I could do to not fall asleep, to have at least one
more night without nightmares, but each time I did that, the more exhausted I became
and soon I didn’t fight them anymore and just tried to push them away each time they
appeared. But the more I ignored them, the more they came back and one day it
changed my whole world.
* * * *
“Kayla? ! ” a voice said, sounding frightened. “Kayla wake up! ” startled awake, I
realize that someone is shaking me. Flinching away from the touch, I curl up on a
41
corner of my bed, trying to breathe normally and stop shaking. When my breathing
returns to normal and I had stopped shaking, I was able to focus on everything around
me. I was still in my room but my dad was sitting in the chair by my bed. Seeing me
calm down, he moves closer and reaches for my hand but I flinch and pull my hand
back.
“Kayla, I’m not going to make you tell me everything that happened, but please
tell me, ” He paused and I tensed up, wondering where this conversation would end
up. He finally looked back at me and asked “What happened with Eddie? ”
* * * *
I remember exactly. But I don’t speak. Somehow he must have heard me when my
nightmare hit tonight.
Automatically, without warning, the memory floods back into my mind and I am
instantly back to that day, the day I vowed to never forgive HIM for what he did to my
mother.
I couldn’t have been more than three or four that day, but I remember everything.
A door slams. It wakes me with a start. Then the yelling starts. It’s HIM and he’s
yelling at my mom and she is crying. Slipping out of bed, I gasp as I see my mom
sitting in a chair and HE is hitting her over and over. He swears at her, and storms out
the door, slamming the door so hard pictures fall of the walls.
Rushing to my mom I say “Are you okay mom? ” she looks up at me with her bruised
and tear-stained face. She looks so frightened. I help her out of the chair and it was
that day that I vowed to never forgive that horrible man for what he did to my mom.
* * * *
“Kayla? ” My dad’s voices jolted me back to the present. Looking at my dad I wonder
what to say. He looks at me expectantly.
Finally, after a long moment, he gets up and leaves, closing the door without a word.
“Great” I think “Now he’s going to talk to Kalli about all this and tell her how much of a
trouble child I am. But then again, it won’t make her love me any less. She’s my step
mom and she loves me. It’s my dad I have to worry about.”
Over the next few days we avoid each other and don’t speak unless it was necessary. I
felt bad about the lack of communication we had developed but at the same time I felt
relieved….Until the day my dad got home before I did. When I walked in the door, my
dad said “Go get in the car. We are going for a ride.”
Puzzled, I did what I was told. Pulling out of the driveway and onto the main road
towards town, my dad says nothing. “Where are we going? ” I ask. Dad remains silent
until we pulled up to a tall building across from the police department.
“What are we going here? ” I ask again.
“Just follow me, ” he says
Following my dad into the building and up a flight of stairs it suddenly hits me why this
place looks so familiar. “Dad, how could you bring me here again? Dad I won’t do this!
” He looks at me but says nothing.
Opening the door I can see that nothing has changed since the last time I was
here two years ago. It’s still the same counseling office that I’ve avoided since the last
time I was here.
“Dad why are we here? ” I ask for the third time.
“You won’t talk to me; maybe they can get you to talk here.” I glare at him but
say nothing until the receptionist called my name and led me through the door.
She pauses in front of a door at the end of the long hallway and knocks.
Seconds later, a man with a smile on his face answers the door. He thanks the lady
and she leaves. Then he turns his attention to me. “Please come in, ” he says. I silently
follow him through the door and sit on the couch while he sits nearby on a big chair.
“So, ” he began “You must be Kayla.” I nod. “My name is Ted.” he says smiling at me.
42
“Kayla, why don’t we start by you telling me about yourself? ”
It only takes me a moment to respond. “I love the colors hot pink and black. I
love to read and write and I am very creative.” I pause “But that’s not what you really
want to know is it.”
He looks surprised but only for a moment. “Well, ” he says your dad says that
you don’t talk much, you spend most of your time in your room, and, ” He pauses
again to look at his notes. “You’ve been having severe panic attacks and nightmares
that seem to terrify you where you wake up screaming but you won’t talk about them
and then he mentioned something about Kizzy…..Who might that be? ”
I remain silent, suddenly full of anger towards my dad for bringing me here again.
“Kayla looks at me, ” Ted says. I refuse but he just keeps talking. “He’s concerned
Kayla. He says that you will run away for hours at a time and he has no idea where you
are. He says that a few nights ago you were talking in your sleep, crying and you were
frightened and yelling at someone but you won’t talk about it.”
He pauses to give me time to talk. But I refuse. Suddenly full of anger and sarcasm, I
spit out “If he told you all this then what the heck am I doing here? ! ” I stand up and
head toward the door but his voice stops me. “I only ask one thing of you.” He says. I
stop, my hand on the door. I slowly turn toward him. He stands up, walks over to the
bookshelf, takes a notebook down and tries to hand it to me. I refuse to take it and
without another word, I walk out the door, down the hall and into the waiting room
where my dad is waiting, talking to the receptionist.
“Let’s go, ” I say through clenched teeth and head out the door without another word.
* * * *
When we got home, I went straight to my room, flipped my radio and turned it to my
favorite radio station, KBear 101.5 and, ironically, the song on the radio was “Faint” by
Linkin Park. I blast the song though the speakers and lay down on my bed listening to
the lyrics and feeling that it describes my mood perfectly.
Glaring up at the ceiling as I hear a knock at the door, I remain silent. “Kayla, we need
to talk. Please open up.” Finally I slip off my bed and unlock the door but then go back
to my bed and lay there staring at the ceiling.
Opening the door, dad enters and sits by my bed and starts talking. “Kayla, you
really need to start talking about your feelings and since I could get nothing out of you
I took you there hoping that you would talk to them but instead you refused.” I remain
silent. “Kayla, you need to do more than you are doing. Go hang out with friends, just
be a kid.”
Finally I sit up in bed and look at my dad.
“Sure.” I reply, and lay back down.
He shuts the door and leaves without another word to me.
The next few weeks, we avoided each other but when we were together, we
tried to be civil toward each other. There seemed to be a wall between us and neither
of us really wanted to fix it. I was full of anger and hate toward my dad and I think
that he was just scared to talk to me, afraid of anymore fighting and hurtful words
coming out of my mouth. But the way I saw it, he deserved it after what he did to me.
I wasn’t going to take it back and I wasn’t going to say that I was sorry.
There were many times that I wished more than anything that Kizzy Jay was still here
with me. There were times that the memories of her were the only thing keeping me
going.
One day about a month later, I came across the box of Kizzy Jay’s stuff that
Kiarra sent me. Looking at it, I slowly opened the box and pulled the contents out,
running my fingers over everything and letting a few tears escape.
Staring at the video tape in my hands, I slowly rotate it back and forth and
glance at my TV and VCR. Slowly getting up from my bed, I take a step towards my
43
TV, but then I hesitate, glancing back at the box still sitting there on my bed.
Returning to the bed, I reach in a pull out the small, square box with a lock. Finding
the key taped to the bottom of the box, I the box I see that it contains letters and
many scraps of paper. Dumping the contents of the small box onto my bed, I pick up a
small piece of paper and see the words “Kizzy Jay + Kayla Marie=Best Friends
Forever.” Picking up another piece of paper, I see the words “Always And Forever, Your
Guardian Angel, ” Going through each slip of paper, I have to wipe away a few stray
tears as each of these sayings take me back in time. Almost instinctively, my mind
goes back to that day, the day everything was perfect, where nothing mattered but
being together….
“Kizzy stop! ! ” I squealed. She was tickling me again. “Say it! ” She says,
laughing along with me. “Say it or I won’t let you go! ”
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had and, ” I pause trying to stop laughing “And
you’re the nicest person on the planet! ” (What I said before she started tickling me
was totally opposite.)
She stops tickling me and, our faces still red; we glance at each other and crack
up laughing all over again as though we might never stop.
From seemingly out of nowhere she pulls out a small locked box and a key. Opening
the small box, she pulls out many pieces of paper and markers and says, “We are
going to make a memory box and bury it until our graduation night.” Grinning, she
starts cutting up pieces of paper and starts writing.
* * * * *
Shaking my head to clear it of the memory, I look around again and see the last item
in the box. A small, metal box with the words “Forever And Always” sat in the middle of
my bed, seeming to stare directly at me. With a shaking hand, I pull it closer to me
and slowly open the lid. An assortment of photos all shapes and sizes lay in the box.
Pulling the first photo out, I see that it was of Kizzy Jay and I. We were laughing about
something, sitting on a small pile of dirt with our fingers to our lips, demanding silence
from an unseen eye. Smiling, I remember what we were laughing about that day, that
hot day in July. We had just finished writing on all those slips of paper, and then we
had headed outside to bury the box and, caught in the act, hurried to sit upon it and
hid what we were doing from my mom. We were laughing and she had looked at us
funny but didn’t comment.
Smiling to myself, I look at the last item in the bottom of the box, It was a framed
picture of Kizzy Jay and I, laughing together and our arms around each other’s
shoulders. We are dressed to look like “Models”
But taped to the back of the picture frame, was a thick envelope with a handful of
papers
Gasping, I see the date October 9,2009. It was written the day before Kizzy Jay died.
However I say this, it won’t come out right but I might as well try still. Kayla, the
things that I am going to say are the things that I should have said a long time ago
and I may sound like a hypocrite but I am going to say them now and hope that my
words reach you and hope that they aren’t too late to help you and for you to help
others like me. This was made the day before I died because it was then that I realized
that I would be missed and I would be making a mistake but the part of me that
wanted to end my pain was stronger. I am saying all this stuff as though I am already
gone but please understand that I do that for a reason and soon I hope that reason will
become clear to you. I’m so sorry sis. Please forgive me. I love you.
Wiping a few tears away, I continue reading the very last thing she ever wrote.
“Kayla, if you are reading this, then that must mean that you have become strong
enough to handle me being gone, if anything, you may have accepted the fact that I
am gone but in your heart I will always be with you forever and always, remember? ”
44
Gasping but saying nothing, I continue listening, transfixed on the screen. “Kayla, I
hope that you understand that what I did wasn’t your fault, I made my own decision
and that decision is something I thought about a lot but first the quote you always said
to me, and to the many others that struggled with the problem that I struggled with,
stuck in my mind. “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Near the
end of my life, that was one thing that I thought about a lot. It seemed that you were
more mature than I and maybe you always were but I just didn’t see it. But I see it
now. You were way more mature than I was at the time. You knew something was
wrong and you tried to help but in the end I told you it didn’t matter. But Kayla, in
reality, it did matter. I lied to you to try and save you from loosing me twice. When I
told you it didn’t matter, it was already too late. I tried to tell you just to let me go but
you were determined to help me and I didn’t know what to do except let you. I tried to
tell you that it would just hurt you more if you tried to help me but when you asked me
what I meant, I was afraid to tell you so I didn’t but I have to tell you now, you have to
understand everything.
There are so many things that I would love to say to you but there is only so many
things that I can say but I hope this will explain to you why I did what I did and how if
I could I would take everything back and redo everything that I messed up on, and the
number one thing was ruining your life by the one choice I made that night.
Kayla, the things in the box are the things that I thought you would want more than
anything now that I am gone. They all have the most meaning to you. The jewelry
box, the pictures, the notes and letters, and most of all, the big picture of us. Kayla,
there are many things that I wish I could tell you but there is so little time left for me.
Please don’t cry sis. I love you. There are so many memories that I have in my mind
but the two I will have forever with me, the ones I will take with me to heaven was
that time at the mall when we were “Models” and we were laughing and just enjoying
being with each other. I wish those days could go on forever and never stop. Then
there was all those times we had sleepovers and didn’t sleep at all, we just talked all
night and asked random questions and just had the time of our lives. I really miss
those time sis.
Do you remember those times we would have the random question game going and we
would spend hours laughing as we took turns asking each other random questions? ? I
really loved doing that. I have a few for you now. I know you are probable crying right
now, but this may cheer you up.
In the dark do our shadows have shadows or do we have shadows?
And what would you do if an abominable snowman was real?
Do you remember my favorite quote? It was by Marilyn Monroe and it said “All
things happen for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go
wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right. You believe lies so that
you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and, sometimes, good thins fall
apart so better things can fall together.” Sis, I know that what happened with me it
happened for a reason even if you may not understand it right now. I’m not sure even
I understand it all the way sis. All I can say is I’m so very sorry that things ended up
the way they did.
You may ask yourself why I wrote you this letter when it makes almost no sense
to you as to why I wrote this and it may have not answered any of the thousand
questions I bet you have, but I wrote this for you but also for me. It helped me
understand why things turned out this way for me. It happened because I let it. It
happened because I didn’t have enough common sense to call you up and demand that
you come live with me and save me. It happened because I didn’t want to worry you
so I just let it happen and its my fault. Its my fault that I didn’t tell you, my fault for
not accepting the help that you offered and most of all, its my fault that I’m gone now.
45
I can’t take it back. What’s done is done but you have to know that if I could take it
back, even for just a minute, I would. If only to see your smiling face one last time, to
hug you one last time, to laugh with you one last time. But I will watch over you in
heaven and I will never blame you for me leaving. It’s my fault that I left. It was never
your fault. You helped me all you could. Don’t blame yourself. You helped me all you
could but, sometimes, all the help anyone can give someone just isn’t enough and I
never blamed you for not helping enough. You helped me more than I asked for, even
more than I deserved. Please believe me when I tell you that nothing else could have
been done to help me. You are the greatest friend I’ve had forever. And I’ll forever
hold your heart and I promise to watch over you and when the time comes for you to
join me, I will be right there beside you with your angel wings in my arms. I love you
sis.
Kizzy Jay Fuller
Once again tears fell down my face as if they would never stop. How many tears
can each person cry if we all share a tear supply? ? The sudden thought entered my
mind and it caused me to smile. I wonder what Kizzy Jay would say if she could see me
now. Kizzy Jay I thought I bet you are laughing at me right now even though I cannot
see you. I’m not saying that I understand why you did what you did, or why you left
me here, but I think I am finally ready to accept the fact that all things happen for a
reason and even if I don’t understand it, I know that you did and I know that you did
what you did for a reason even if it never makes sense to me.
Suddenly thinking that I should write a letter of my own, I glance around the
room and grab the paper I would need. Loosing track of all the time I spent writing, I
glance at the clock on my desk and gasp. I’ve been writing for more than three hours!
! Hurrying to my feet, it suddenly hits me that my dad hasn’t come into my room for a
few hours. Curious to where he was, I open the door and head down to his office. But
he’s not there. Glancing at the white board above his desk, I see a note for me. Kayla,
gone to the office for a few hours. Won’t be home for dinner. Don’t wait up. Love, dad.
Heading back unto my room, I glance around once again and then head back
over to my desk to re-read what I had written. It was over 12 pages long but I knew it
was really helpful towards my healing process. I knew I still had a long way to go, but
at least I was making progress and that’s all that mattered.
Karley Kay
46
Laying Awake
Lying there curled up in a ball
As the memories of the past unfold again
The memories of the past I need to forget
But they come toward me faster than ever tonight.
Huddled in a corner, afraid of every sound, of every movement,
Afraid it will hurt me like he did.
Hiding under the stairs as I hear is footsteps come nearer.
He comes closer and I fight the urge to scream
My brother being the favorite child, and me
The abused and hurting one night after night.
Him trying to make everything okay again, by trying to hug me
And tell me everything is going to be okay.
The nights after nights of the nightmares of the past
As I lay there huddled in the corner
Don’t come near me. Don’t touch me,
Just let me be. Don’t hurt me like he did.
Curled up in a ball, afraid of the memories
Afraid of the pain. So scared it will soon take the life inside of me.
Don’t understand what’s happening. So scared to sleep at night
So I lay awake trying to forget, trying to disappear.
Karley Kay
47
Learning
Learning is something
I do more than ever now
Everyday I learn more
And everyday I wonder
Why things are this way.
Why was I abandoned?
And left all alone?
Why did no one love me?
And never care for me?
These questions go through my mind constantly.
I used to believe that I was
Not worth anything
And that I was better off dead
I see now how wrong I was
And how loved I am now.
I used to never trust
Anyone for fear of
Hurt and abandonment
But I take it all day by day
And each day I learn to trust and love more.
I used to trust no one
With my secrets
And past memories
But now I have a Best Friend
Who is helping me so much, and I love her.
Everyday I wake up
And its amazing how far I have come
From trusting no one
To trusting almost everyone
In one way or another.
Karley Kay
48
Letting Go
Looking at me, pain in your voice
As you say what you’ve come to say
I glance away, what did I do wrong?
What can I do to make you stay?
Did your promises mean anything?
So tired of all the lies, the hurtful words
So tired of all the broken promises
I hear coming from you
You say you still love me, that you always will
But your words mean nothing anymore.
Hanging around friends, them distracting me
From the pain I feel since you’ve been gone
Laughing, talking, bashing you
Feeling much better till I realize
I still love you.
Getting rid of everything
That reminds me of you
Shedding tears as I realize I know
What I have to do, cant forgive you
Like I did before, just let it go.
You hurt me for the last time
I told you I would go
You didn’t believe me, but now you know
I may forgive you one day but I’ll never trust you
Say goodbye cuz I’m forever gone.
Karley Kay
49
Lyrics 4 Kizzy Jay (Wish I Could Be With You 6 Feet Under, Sis)
Evanescence Like You Lyrics
Stay low.
Soft, dark, and dreamless,
Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness.
I hate me,
For breathing without you.
I don't want to feel anymore for you.
Grieving for you,
I'm not grieving for you.
Nothing real love can't undo,
And though I may have lost my way,
All paths lead straight to you.
I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you.
Halo,
Blinding wall between us.
Melt away and leave us alone again.
The humming, haunted somewhere out there.
I believe our love can see us through in death.
I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you.
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you,
I'm coming for you.
You're not alone,
No matter what they told you, you're not alone.
I'll be right beside you forevermore.
I long to be like you, sis,
Lie cold in the ground like you did.
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you.
And as we lay in silent bliss,
I know you remember me.
I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you.
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you,
I'm coming for you.
WISH I COULD WAKE UP AND THIS BE JUST A DREAM SIS! ! ! ! REST IN PEACE KIZZY
JAY FULLER
Karley Kay
50
Matt (My Sis's Best Friend)
Summer comes, warm and colorful
The leaves hang from the trees, all is right.
Summer leaves, and fall comes in
The smell of crisp leaves, autum is here again
But when autum leaves, in one moment
The world stops as the words I’ll never forget are spoken.
“Rest In Peace, Matt, We’ll all miss you.”
Wondering how I didn’t know, wondering why this happened to him.
He was so great, so good for you and for her, he loved you both
He loved everyone, he was the greatest friend to me and to everyone else.
Then a thought strikes me, stops me in my tracks,
What will happen to his family? His friends?
God, if you hear me, please watch over them, the ones that love him
Please watch over Matt, Nancy, and Matt’s Family.
Rest In Peace, Matt! ! We Love You! !
Karley Kay
51
Memories Of Us Song
Trying so hard, to remember
What you told me so long ago
Before the darkness came again
And you left me here all alone
To face the world without you.
I used to laugh and talk with you
Happiness was all that I knew
Never thought it would end this way
With me lying here, missing you
Cursing your name as I remember.
Chorus:
You used to tell me that you loved me
That you would never leave me
but now your gone and I’m so scared
With the darkness surrounding me
Keeping me company as you leave me
Trying to fight the darkness it’s so very hard
Wondering why things fell apart.
I lay here thinking about you
Wonjdering why you left me here
In the darkness all alone
I used to lay awake
And listen to the phone.
Now that your gone forever in my mind
I think of you no more
I wrote this for you
But you are not here to read this
As my last farewell before I disappear! ! !
Chorus:
You used to tell me that you loved me
That you would never leave me
but now your gone and I’m so scared
With the darkness surrounding me
Keeping me company as you leave me
Trying to fight the darkness it’s so very hard
Wondering why things fell apart.
Karley Kay
52
Mixed Emotions
Looking at you walking towards me I smile at you
Then I watch you as your face changes into his
And his arms surround me, holding me close
Instead of your arms that sho0uld be around me
Because you the one I should want with me.
He looks at me as he kisses me and I smile
He tells me that he loves me forever
But I fell like I’m gonna cry
Because he’s the one I should be with
Not when you’re here with me, holding me together.
You hold me close and you tell me you love me
I look at you and see his face as I kiss you
I shouldn’t be feeling this way
Not when I'm with you
But what does this mean?
He came to see me today, when you weren’t around
My heart beat sped up as he looked at me
He told me he loved me and that he had missed me
Since I had been gone
Why do I feel this way for him?
You hold me together so I don’t fall apart
You are what he never was and I love you
But if I do why, when you hold me close
Or kiss me; do I see his face instead of yours?
WHATS GOING ON? ? ! !
Karley Kay
53
Modern Day Romeo and Juliet
Romeo, I am waiting for you
What I want to know, is
Where are you?
Will you ever come?
Don’t make me wait much longer,
My Love.
Romeo, please take me from my Prison
Of this small town
And the parents of all control
They won’t let me see you
And they don’t understand
That I have to see you. I love you.
I’ll be waiting for you
Every night waiting for you
To throw rocks at my window
And for you to wait for me
To come and visit you in your dreams
Your dreams of you and me.
I spend every night
Thinking of you and of
What will be soon
But cannot be yet
But will be as soon as
It is possible for me to see you.
Please come and save me, my Romeo
You mean so much to me
I have always loved you
And I always will
Please never forget me
Until I see you next.
They can’t keep you from me
For long
Although they will try hard
Isn’t it true, that
What’s meant to be, will always find a way?
I hope so-cuz we are meant to be.
I just wish they knew that
And that we didn’t have to hide how we feel about each other
From everyone that knows us
Every time we are together
We have to be careful
Of not getting caught.
We have to be so careful
In what we say to each other
And what we do together
54
Cuz I live in fear that if something happens
You could be taken from me
And that would hurt me.
This world is cruel
And unfair
Will it ever be what it should be?
I don’t know
All I know is I love you
And I need you.
Karley Kay
55
My Fault(Dedicated To My Best Friends Who Are In Heaven)
Laying there, your picture in my hand
And tears staining my face as I look
At the person you used to be
Why did you have to go? !
Don’t you care about me?
Or who you left behind?
Please come back! Please!
I can’t handle this anymore.
You told me you would never go
That you would always be here for me
But now you’re gone and I can’t stand it
I feel like you lied to me! Please come back!
Glancing at your picture once more
I cry silent tears as I realize it was my fault
My fault you left. And my fault you’re gone
Why didn’t I help you enough? !
That day you called me and told me
That you wanted to end it, why didn’t I help more? !
Why didn’t I stay with you all night? ?
I’ll never forgive myself. I Can’t.
Now I’ve lost three of my Best Friends
And I didn’t help them enough either
Why am I being tested this way? !
I wish I could undo the past, bring you back.
PLEASE LET THIS BE A DREAM! ! ! ! ! !
Karley Kay
56
My Guardian Angel
My guardian angel
Works overtime
To take care of me
And she needs a rest!
She is my Guardian Angel.
She takes care of me
And helps me through
All the trials in my life
She needs a break
She is my Guardian Angel.
Her name is Alex
She is my Best Friend
And she has helped me
So much
She is my Guardian Angel.
She gives me advice
And comforts me when I am sad
She is the best friend I have ever had
And I am thankful for her
She is my Guardian Angel.
So thank you
My Guardian Angel
For all the help you give me
And loving me no matter how bad I fail
I love you, my Guardian Angel.
Karley Kay
57
My Many Faces (Who Am I Really? ?)
Look into the mirror
Do you like what you see?
Is the face in the mirror
The one you only show to me?
So many masks you wear
To hide away all your pain
You say your fine, I know it’s a lie
You lie again, what’s to gain?
Hiding away your pain
Afraid to let anyone near
No one hears you cry
Cuz you don’t want anyone to hear.
Hiding away your feelings
Trying to appear okay
Trying to keep going
To make it through another day.
Holding that knife in your hands
Trying to decide what to do
Keep living or die?
I think I’ll keep living for you.
You stare into the mirror
Hating the faces looking back at you
What’s going on with me?
What can I do?
Can’t keep hiding behind faces
But can’t show the real me
So scared to be who I am
Who am I really? ? ? ?
Karley Kay
58
Please Stay! ! (Dedicated To The One Who Is My World)
You say you just want to go away,
Please Stay
You tell me you care but you have to go
Please Stay
Your my Best Friend, My 'Big Sister'
Please Stay
You make my days bright, you give me strength
You are my world, you mean so much to me
You changed my world, made it so much better
Made me want to live, even though everything was going wrong
All I ask is that you Please Stay.
Dont want you to go away, I need you here
Your my sister, I wont let anything hurt you
If they do they will be annihilated so fast
It will make your head spin, I'll protect you
Please Stay sis, I don't want you to leave.
Please Stay Sis, if not for you then for me.
Karley Kay
59
R.I.P. Kizzy Jay Fuller
Can't go on like this anymore, Sis
Why'd you have to go and take your life?
Seems just like yesterday that you and I were together
Laughing and talking about our lives, and our new crushes
Then one day that phone rang, with words that changed my life forever
'Kizzy Jay Died last night...'
Never thought pain could hurt that much
But each thought of you brings a new wave of pain and hurt
And I blame myself for you leaving
And doing what you did
I could have helped you, could have saved you
But it's too late now, your gone
And I cant keep going on this way without you here with me
You told me something the night before you took your life,
We were talking about what we would do without each other
And you said something that is forever in my mind
'Just Close Your Eyes And I'll Always Be There For You
And If I'm Not There, Someone Always Will Be
Like I Wish I Could Be, Like I Should Have Been, '
BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO? ? ! ! !
Rest In Peace, Kizzy Jay Fuller
Karley Kay
60
The First Night (Because Of You)
This is the first night I will cry myself to sleep because of you
But this won't be the last time I hurt because of you
My world shattered into pieces, that night you hurt me
But this time it happened again, that night you told me it was too late
Too late to change what happened, too late to undo the mistake.
This is the first night I will not sleep at all, because of you
This is the first night I will be dying inside, because of you
This is the first time I will lay awake, thinking of how to save you
This is the first time I will be wishing I could change what happened
But it won't be the last time, because of you.
Trying to forget what happened, but finding I can't forget
Because I have a constant reminder of what happened
The pain inside me grows stronger as I contemplate what to do
Try to help you and get hurt again, or let you be, and watch you die
The world I once knew will never be the same, becuase of you.
IT ALL HAPPENS BECUASE OF YOU AND NOW BECUASE OF YOU MY WORLD IS NEVER
GOING TO BE THE SAME. I CAN'T HELP YOU WITHOUT GETTING HURT BUT I CAN'T
WATCH YOU DIE EITHER! ! ! !
THIS WONT BE THE LAST TIME THAT EVERYTHING CHANGES
THIS WONT BE THE LAST TIME I WONDER WHAT TO DO! ! ! !
Karley Kay
61
The Last Time
You lied to me, once again my world is shattered
The world that used to bring me much comfort
In the circle of your arms I used to lay
Not believing it would come to this
Even tho everyone told me it would.
This is the last time I believe you and your lies
Each time you lied, I cried
Each time you apologized, I forgave
Each time I forgave, You lied
This is the last time.
The last time I will run to you
The last time You will be with me
The last time I will let you hold me
The last time You will see me
The last time I will kiss you.
Walking out the door, You utter one last word
'Please' I stop as you apologze and beg me to stay
Blinking back tears I walk out the door, never to return
Never to believe you and your lies I spent weeks believing
But not anymore. Now I am free from you and the prison I called Love.
Karley Kay
62
The Last Time, Dad
This is the last time, that I will pretend that none of this ever happened
This is the last time that I will be alone again, locked into my room
This is the last time that I will let you hurt me or my brother
This is the last time that I will run from you.
This time it has to change, this time I wont let you win
This time I will stand up for myself and protect me and my brother
This time it will change, this time I will make it happen
This is the last time, Dad that you will have control over me.
This is the last Chance you have to change before I leave for good.
Dont want to say goodbye but I wont be hurt again
This is the last time I will be with you in this house with your abuse
Unless you change, one more chance, before I leave for good.
Karley Kay
63
Time Doesn't Heal All My Wounds...
So many people would say that time heals all wounds, but for me, it’s never been true.
If time heals all wounds, then either I haven’t had enough time yet or my wounds are
so deep that it will take far too long before all my wounds are gone.
My wounds are like small pieces of glass and each piece of glass is sharp and when hit
with it, it leaves a scar mentally and physically.
Many people don’t know the real and true me. I get so scared to let anyone see the
real me, afraid if what they might think when all the layers of me that I hide behind are
gone.
You see, I’ve been hurt so often and so much that I have become hidden behind the
masks that have now become my life. My wounds are deep. I’ve spent all my life trying
to make the wounds less visible if not make them disappear.
Only a few people, the people I most trust, know my story And see me as the masks
are one by one shed from my once naturally happy face. But even then, they don’t fully
understand how much it hurts me as those memories of the past assault me from all
sides when I’m least expecting it and how many more scars I get each time the
memories come back and hit me full force.
It has occurred to me that the more I ignore the scars and marks on me, the more
they hurt the next time I am hit with them.
Each time I am hit with a memory or phrase from the past, it drives the glass in deeper
and the wound that could have been healed is ripped open and I am standing there for
all the world to see my wounds, my pain and my suffering.
So many people tell me that they understand what I am going through and that they
will help me, but most people say that to me and then they don’t know how to help me
deal with all of that.
So, once again, I am alone in the world, doomed to wander forever searching for the
one thing that can make my wounds disappear and the memories of the past go away
forever before it destroys the life inside of me….the life I no longer see a point in
having….but I need to find something to make it all disappear, before it causes me to
die more inside than I already am.
Time Doesn’t Heal All The Wounds Inside Of Me…..
Karley Kay
64
What Would I Give
What would I give
For someone to understand?
What would I give
For someone to give me a chance?
What would I give
For someone to love me?
To be there when
I need them the most?
What would I give
To see my mom one more time?
What would I give
To make things right again?
What would I give
To change the way I have become?
What would I give
To understand the way things are?
I would give eternity
To change it all for good
I would give eternity
To change it if I could.
What would you give
To change things in your life?
What would you give
If you were where I am?
Would you ask for help
Or just try to stick it out?
Not sure where your at
Or who to turn to for help.
What Would You Give To Help Someone Else, Or What Would You Give For One More
Chance?
Karley Kay
65
When Your Gone
When you’re gone
Parts of me go too
And I wonder
How I will make it through.
We were inseparable
Time went so slow
Until that one day
I had to go
I think of you often
And I wonder
If you think of
Me too.
I feel something for you,
Something really strong,
And I wonder
Do you feel the same for me too?
As your face comes to mind,
I smile and think back to that day
Where my feelings changed
That warm, sunny day in May.
Karley Kay
66
Why Girls like Guys
1.The way they kiss us when their scared.
2.The way they kiss us when their upset.
3.When they touch our sides lightly.
4.The way they look at you when they say, “I love you, ”
5.When they constantly try to touch you.
6.The way they touch you sends shivers down your spine.
7.The way they turn away when you catch them looking at you.
8.The way they hug you when you’re upset.
9.The way they look into your eyes and smile.
10.When they call you just to say, “I love you, ”
11.When they would do anything for you.
12.The way they hold you in their arms when a slow dance is playing.
13.The way they hold you hand tightly in theirs like they will never let go.
14.The way they whisper in your ear.
15.The way they kiss us and their sweet breath on our face.
16.The way your stomach drops down to your feet when they look at you.
17.The way they smile at you every time you see each other.
18.When they stare into your eyes and your stomach turns over.
19.When they always wanna hold you in their arms.
20.When they write you love notes even when their friends laugh at them.
21.When they always seem to know when something’s wrong.
22.When they always ask how your day was.
23.The way they hold you in their arms.
24.The way they just know when your sad
25.The way they look concerned when your gonna cry.
26.The way the hold you when you cry.
27.The way they say, “I miss you, ”
28.The way they talk so lovingly you feel like your floating.
29.The way they intertwine your hands in theirs.
30.The way they put their arm around your waist and draw you closer.
31.The way they come up behind you and say “Boo! ” scaring you so bad, but you
know you will love them anyway.
32.When they act like it is only you and him in the room full of people.
33.When they teach you how to love.
34.When they laugh at your confused expressions, making your confusion go away
instantly.
35.When they always call if something came up and he couldn’t make the date.
36.When they apologize when they are going to be late.
37.When their voices are guaranteed to make your fear and anger fade away as soon
as your hear their voice behind you.
38.The way they hug you when your going crazy.
39.When they stay with you even when their going to be late for dinner at home.
40.When they don’t want to leave you after a whole day together, but knowing they
have to and promise to be back bright and early the next day.
Karley Kay
67
Why Is Life
Why is life always like this
Taking my friends leaving me here
Don’t they care how I feel
When their gone, six feel under.
Why is life always like this
You come to me with scars on your wrists
Tears in your eyes, pain in your body
Telling me you can’t do this anymore.
Why is life always like this
The game of choosing never ends
Its either you or them
You cant have both
Well I’m don’t having to choose
Why is life always like this
An angel comes and give you a kiss
But this is the kiss of death
A single kiss and your forever gone
Six feet under, I cant handle this!
WHY IS LIFE ALWAYS LIKE THIS? ! ? ! ?
Karley Kay
68
WHY? ? ? ! ! ! !
Why are things like this?
Why do I feel that you love him too?
Why do I feel so useless?
Why do things always end up like this?
WHY? ? ? ! !
Why, with every tear I cry, it doesn’t help?
Why, with every word she says, cuts me deeper?
Why, with every breath, I am sinking farther into Depression?
Why, with every smile I fake, everyone believes that I am doing okay?
WHY? ? ? ! !
Why, with every word I say, people get pushed farther and farther away?
Why, with everything I do, I still feel like a failure?
Why, with every word I speak, people slowly give up on me?
Why, with every emotion I try to speak out, I get locked up in Treatment again?
WHY? ? ? ! !
I ask myself that question everyday
WHY? ? ! !
Why do things always end up bad for me?
Why do I feel that no one cares?
Why do I feel that no one would miss me if I committed Suicide?
Why do I feel that no one will ever love me?
Why do I feel so depressed?
And suicidal?
I ask myself that question Day After Day…….
WHY? ? ? ? ! ! ! ! !
Karley Kay