Poetry Series
Dipali Unadkat
- poems -
2
Am I?
A finite definition for anyone is inexistent.
Am I pretty? Or just plain?
Am I bubbly, or just loud?
Someone thinks I’m too fat,
And someone else thinks I’m just right.
Views so subjective
Yet so, so powerful.
Insecurities and complexities
All stemming from these.
Views causing so many changes.
Unknowingly moulding,
Discretely defining
Exactly what I become.
Or what you become.
And just when you become something
Another view creates jagged edges.
Just when I had decided I was within boundaries
I realize I had stepped out
And so to step back in
Yet another series of transformations…
Leading back to the same question.
What am I?
Dipali Unadkat
3
Battlefield
He came on the battlefield,
Ripped down the villains,
Won the fair lady’s heart,
Lived up to the fairy tale standards.
But then the power was overwhelming,
It took control over him
Tyranny reigned
All the subjects were dreary
The household in deep darkness
Wilted roses
Briars increasing, spreading.
The only color left was in the Joker’s aura
The joker.
Playful, cheerful but smart
Witty, silly but sly
Every briar he passed turned into a rose
Light engulfed the darkness anywhere around him.
People smiled in his presence
And in the king’s court he dazzled
Dazzled so…
Won the fair lady’s heart
Helped her out of her misery,
Her loneliness.
but darkness wants to prevail!
Challenges were laid in his path
Successively beating down each,
Now the joker is on the battlefield against our hero
History repeats.
It all begins with heroism
But it all boils down to tyranny.
That’s the king’s battlefield.
That’s our lives’ battlefield.
Dipali Unadkat
4
Confidence
I’m trying to get out.
This bottomless pit!
No doors, no windows, no way out!
Abysmal! Smothering!
Hands covered in dirt and tears.
Overwhelming frustration
God, I just need to GET OUT!
I see a light 10 feet above me
Too far! I’ll never get there!
The straight walls keep letting me slide
And I’m back in the pit
Every time somebody comes to pull me out,
They let go, and I come crashing down
Even farther in the darker dungeons!
I’m so far inside; I can’t even recognize my own self now
Since when am I a quitter?
When did the white flag become my ally?
Why is weakness my master?
And I, a slave of misery?
Wait, what is the white smoke?
The ghost of my dead confidence!
Escaping me, forever!
You’ll leave me too?
Stay.
Lift me up 10 feet. Even 5.
You’re all I need. You’re all I have.
Nobody else is coming to pull me out of here.
Even if they do, I can’t trust them to throw me down again.
No friend, no foe, no family, no fairy.
I’m done with all of them.
I’m done.
So it’s just you, confidence.
You and me and a few tears.
Will you come back?
You will get me through this, won’t you?
Dipali Unadkat
5
I Treaded Generous Waters
You did something you weren’t supposed to do
Granted you did it in a drunken stupor
But when I look back and think, I wonder
Was it really the drunkenness? Or was it the underlying anger?
It was rage and a blinded hurt person seeking revenge
You realized it too – every single day after that one!
Had sleepless nights over it,
Cried over it,
Let guilt overpower you!
and you hate that you cannot turn back time
We all hate that!
but now you have treaded dangerous waters
That keep threatening to flow over your head.
To think you’d done so well, having no skeletons in your closet
And now you have two, putting at stake everything you hold dear.
Ohw how you wish you could undo that one day
Better still, unmeet that one person who caused the rage.
But all that you can do now
Is tread through
Strong, steady, calm
And see who will tread with you, right by your side.
Bystanders will watch, and talk, and weaken your strength
And of the one treading with you
Most of what is at stake will be lost
You will hurt and cry more than ever
But that’s key for you to get past it
And move on.
Move on.
Dipali Unadkat
6
Junkie
I’m all drugged up,
Sick and depressed,
And that’s not the worst of it,
It’s that I’m not the only one.
We’re all addicts,
Pathetic junkies.
You’re sniffing,
She’s high,
They’re shooting up,
And he’s OCD.
What am I drugged up on?
Him.
But we’re all the same really.
Emotionally and physically dependent,
Helplessly hopeless,
Too much of that one thing,
The one thing that’s killing us slowly.
But we want more.
No. we NEED more.
Because godammit we’re hooked!
Without it, our lives fall apart
The reason for existence is eliminated
Because in this harsh, lonely world
Nobody wants to spend any moment alone,
So when she’s happy she’ll smoke up
You’ll not be alone with your nose powder.
And I’ll just be happy remembering him.
And so I accept it.
I’m a junkie, and addict, a tweeker
Still hung up on you!
Dipali Unadkat
7
Perfect Dream
I had the weirdest dream last night.
It had you and me.
Us.
Starting with an awkward reunion.
Later a comfortable reconciliation.
Omelets and pancakes and French toast,
Orange juice, home made tea, and freshly brewed coffee,
Breakfast in bed,
Surprises at dinner after you got home from work,
cuddling up in front of the TV for a movie.
the past resurfaces ocassionally
lots of confusion and tears and hesitation
yet we get through it all
happiness prevailed and after long I was content
that’s why it was a dream
too perfect for it to be reality!
So we wind up making the mistake we avoided all along
And that was the good bye
The real goodbye
The final good bye
The one we’ve said a long time ago,
But all relived in one dream too good to be true.
The perfect dream!
Dipali Unadkat
8
Possibilities
Uncertainty is the root of all chaos
And of unexpected happiness.
Pleasures wouldn’t be as enjoyable if their coming was anticipated
But forewarning of pain would be appreciated!
So much can happen in life
And who knows what!
Nobody is ever sure
It comes as a wave,
Leaves you all soaked up
And disappears like it never happened
Yet there you are
Wet, reeking of how it has affected you
In ways both good and bad!
Oh the possibilities.
And double oh to their uncertainty.
Dipali Unadkat
9
Roads
Every fork gives two options.
The road that could be,
And the road that will be,
The road that will be becomes the road that is,
And more often than not
What is, is never better than the imagination of what could have been.
But does that mean that what is
Is not appreciated?
Or loved?
Perhaps, but not always.
Some leave the chosen road
To test the other road.
Others try to convert what is to what they would imagine what could have been to be.
Its wrong, so unfair.
But it happens to everyone.
Merging imagination with reality.
Though, I wish you were one of those that accepted what is,
As it is
Or simply leave what is if its not enough.
How hard can it be?
Simple for you and simple for me.
Jus choose one of the roads and stick to it.
Because those roads decide
Not jus your life,
But other lives too.
Dipali Unadkat
10
Stupid Cliches
“You never realize what you love until you’ve lost it”,
“He’ll realize someday”,
“Time heals all”,
Clichés, told to me again and again
Tediously!
To what effect?
What will these epiphanies do for me!
He’s not going to come back to me is he?
Things won’t ever be the same!
At the end of it, I still lost it all.
Forever.
And those epiphanies are useless for me!
Embellished words and advice full of optimism don’t do shit.
Instead of feeding my false hope,
Why don’t you try giving me a reality check?
Maybe that way you’ll be a true friend.
Maybe that way you’ll help me rid off this disease.
Help me fight against my fear instead of reveling in it
Allow me to feel the pain doubly, be masochistic!
Because that is the only way I have ever learned anything in life
The harder way.
And that is the only way I won’t care about how much I loved what I lost.
And that is what matters!
Dipali Unadkat
11
Talk
If everyone could talk to everyone,
Sort out our pointless misunderstandings,
Relationships would be so perfect.
I really want to talk to you and be open!
But I can’t.
You always get to defensive.
You’re always in denial.
I want to talk to you, but I can’t.
You’re too judegmental
You’re not open to another’s perspective.
I want to talk to you but I can’t.
You’re too unforgiving and intolerant
Your responses are always negative.
I want to talk to you, but I can’t.
You’re not able to be in my shoes.
You’re too practical.
I want to talk to you but I can’t.
You’re not a fan of discussions.
And I’m afraid you’ll walk away again.
Those are all the important people in my life.
I can’t talk to any of them.
And those I do talk to,
Aren’t always going to be there,
Concede continuously,
Advise incorrectly
Or, well, I don’t want to talk to.
That is life’s irony.
But really, all I just want to do is talk.
Dipali Unadkat
12
Teach Me
Everyone gets into relationships,
some people think they are in love,
And some actually do fall in love,
true love for very few of those.
But then people break up
And before you know it they’re with someone else.
Forgotten what they had once called love.
Moved on, just like that.
I’ve always wondered how they can do it.
Make it seem so easy
because I want to learn.
I know what I did wrong.
I did something crazy.
He said forever, and I believed it!
But I don’t want it to hurt anymore when I find out he’s with someone else
Because even if I’ve been through it before,
Not once or twice but four times!
Even if I know it was going to happen anyway,
Every time I find out,
I lose myself and become what I’m not.
A whining, hopeless, miserable, pathetic person
Maybe I still have a glimmer of hope that forever meant forever.
Is this what they call true love?
And if it isn’t, then why doesn’t the feeling go away?
I haven’t seen anyone hold onto something for this long
Then this must mean something!
But now he’s happy with someone else again.
And I’m happy that he is for he deserves the world’s best.
But i’m stuck in the same old spot.
So teach me, show me how to move on.
Just like that.
Dipali Unadkat
13
That Feeling
It’s that feeling.
Indescribable.
But so heavy, that you feel weighed down.
Like as if I’m carrying a mountain over my head
The heaviest nimbus hovering about me.
The darkest storm circling around my territory.
I don’t think I want to give up.
But I think I want to let go.
I don’t think I want to continue
But no, I really do.
Maybe I just don’t know how.
It smells like a concoction of fear and guilt,
But it can’t be!
I want to break down, let it out
But the tough exterior is defiant.
I would know what to do,
If I knew what this is.
Running away may help
But the clouds are going to follow me
I need a seeing glass!
Clear the fuzziness up a little.
A mind reader!
Think for me a little.
Or jus a little space?
To breathe a little?
Dipali Unadkat
14
Time
So many descriptive words to depict this concept.
This phenomenon… so abstract.
Time can be good or bad.
It comes early or too late.
It heals and it hurts.
Or it can be any combination at once
All rolled together.
It determines your future.
Builds the past.
It moves so slowly,
You want to fast forward it!
But it could move so fast,
You want to freeze it.
It breaks confidence
At the same time weaving in tolerance.
It makes creation possible
As does it destruction.
It gives hope,
It tests patience
Poses uncertainties
Leaves us in suspense
Mysteriously having us follow through.
At the end of it, still,
Time is all that matters.
It is what has taught us.
Made us wiser.
Made us happier.
Made us appreciative.
Made us.
Dipali Unadkat
15
Trial and Error
I tried.
You tried.
That’s all that matters right?
Now we won’t have to wonder what it would be like.
Because now we know it couldn’t be.
It was special while it was.
But it wasn’t satisfactory.
What we need is different from what we had.
What we had was only what we wanted.
What we wanted was not what we need.
And so it wasn’t appropriate.
Down the line we will look back and smile
Because it was memorable
But we will also look back and be thankful
For making this right decision
That taught us so much.
Disguised in a mask of abundant cheer
Lay the unfortunate truth of the façade
But the cheer was worth the trial.
The façade was more worth it.
And it is this trial and error,
That made both our existence as one
And our existence as separate entities
So fruitful.
So productive.
And entirely worth it.
Dipali Unadkat
16
Why You?
Darn it!
I just missed my train stop!
All because I started wondering: why you?
I ran out of time in my test!
Just because I started wondering: why you?
At every possible chance I begin an attempt.
An unfruitful attempt to unravel the mystery of “why you”!
Until today I have never gotten anywhere.
The attempt is, nevertheless, ceaseless.
Why the ear-to-ear smile after talking to you?
Why the need of you when I think of you?
Ohw these endless questions!
And still I’m not tired of asking them
Only because it is exhilarating that I’m thinking of you!
It hampers with my efficiency
But in so many ways just your thought is invigorating
Somehow I know why you -
But I don’t how it could possibly be verbalized
Or if it can even be expressed at all!
And perhaps if it could,
I’m only looking for an excuse to think about you
Maybe, soon I will be ready to answer “why you? ”.
I will write something about it.
Maybe, when I am confident enough,
To scream to the world
Without fearing they’ll tear you away from me.
But until then,
And for now, and for a long time to come,
My answer is, in one simple, vague, ambiguous way:
Because you’re you.
Dipali Unadkat
No comments:
Post a Comment